Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
