Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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