I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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