dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
