The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was born a porn star she said
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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