I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
