i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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