Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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