Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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