Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
