I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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