Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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