I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
