JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
