I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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