You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
