She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
