you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
