Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
