What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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