ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
