I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
