Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
