I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
