and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
