you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
