I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
