I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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