Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
