Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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