I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
