So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
