somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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