My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
