Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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