My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
