i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
