Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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