I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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