I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
