remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize