He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
