On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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