the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
