I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
