She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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