Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm really busy with my period
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