the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
