My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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