this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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