Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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