I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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