Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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