i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
