okay pat passed out under dana's car
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
