some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
