She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
