This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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