I've blown a few things in my day
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
