Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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