man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
